The Saga of Michael Lohan

Never before has the country been held in such rapt attention as a saga played out in the public eye, perhaps since the Iran-hostage affair during the Carter presidency, as it is by the saga of actress(?), musician(?), media whore(!) Lindsay Lohan's estranged father Michael.

As of Feb. 24th Michael Lohan,has just racheted the drama of his trials and travails from extremely interesting to fascinating today by...um, probably either getting a DUI, or making a death threat or something... and as a result has graced the covers of not one, but two major New York City-based newspapers today. I'm not kidding- check out the nearest newstand- you'll see them front and center.

According to the Village Voice (which is not one of the publications on the Michael Lohan-cover bandwagon), since last May, he's been mentioned 30 times in the News, 26 times in the Post, and 17 times in Newsday. Glaringly, the New York Times has never reported the story.

Is it not enough that we have to see Lindsay Lohan grace the covers of magazines and tabloids everyweek, see photos of her newest cd or movie plastered on billboards and taxis all over the city, and know more about her relationship with that foreign guy from That 70's Show (and not by choice) than we know about our next door neighbors? She may be famous for all the wrong reasons, but she is in movies, and does have a cd out, so that kinda makes it ok that magazines like In Touch, Star, and US Weekly would maker her a frequent headline- that's what those publications are dedicated to anyway: the coverage of lame celebrities.

But for her Dad, who as far as I can tell has done nothing to be newsworthy since spurting his redheaded-gene carrying sperm up Lindsay's moms birth canal 18 years ago, to now be gracing the covers and headlines of major 'news'-targeted newspapers, is well... reassuring I suppose.

At least we know that our country and media has its priorities straight as we continue to loose Americans and Iraqis daily in Iraq, continue the merest begginnings of aiding and rebuilding in the devastation of the tsunami, and face four more years of a Presidential administration that is rolling back more essential environmental conservation legislation and civil liberties (including abortion if he gets his way) than any administration perhaps in American history.

God forbid we find out anything about how the relief efforts are going in Southeast Asia, as millions rebuild their lives and struggle to survive, before we know what Michael Lohan has gotten himself into the night before.

I, for one, wake up every morning and cannot concentrate on anything until I know how the latest chapter in the Michael Lohan saga has played out.

Recent Losses

It is really amazing the number of truly amazing talents we have lost so very recently.

Maybe it just really strikes me, because they have all had an influence on me, or in my particular area of interest- comedy.

But in recent months-

Rodney Dangerfield, one of the few remaining true 'living legend' comics, and with Alan King only months before, when Pryor and Klein go, an entire era of pioneer comics will have passed.

Johnny Carson- perhaps the who, despite not being a comic, has had a bigger influence on the evolution of modern comedy than anyone else.

Arthur Miller- probably the greatest American playwrite of the past century- Death of a Salesman and The Crucible capture the hopeless aspects of American suburban and consumer life, and America's dangerous tendency towards a group mentality, repespectively, in a way that astounds one that two such dazzling and different works could have come from the mind of the same man.

And finally, Hunter S. Thompson- my hero, see below.

R.I.P Hunter S. Thompson

Hunter S. Thompson was one of my all time heros. His writing style has been often imitated, never duplicated, and his fiction and non-fitction books, as well as his journalism, are some of the funniest, most politically savvy, and truly original writings I have read anywhere.

He gave new meaning to the term 'functioning alchoholic' given that he was perpetually wasted during so many of his infamous campaign trail coverages, and for so much of his career in general, and yet churned out such brilliant work. That takes a particular kind of talent and bravado that few have.

Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas and The Rum Diary are both huge inspirations to my own writing.

To commerorate his passing yesterday, I went a rented what was probably his final appearance, a documentary from last year entitled Breakfast with Hunter. I reccomend it to any other Thompson admirers.

While I have no idea what the circumstances surrounding his decision to take his own life, somehow it almost seems like an appropriate way to die: always the rebel, he would not let outside forces dictate to him when he would die, he chose when and where he was ready.

I wish he had stuck around to write a few more books, and oversee the production of the upcoming film version of The Rum Diary, but the truth is, that cat packed nine lifetimes into one, and with his voracious appetite for drugs and booze, it is amazing he lived as long as he did.

Rest in peace, Hunter S. Thompson, we will not see a writer who manages to so thoroughly reinvent journalism and prose writing as you did for a long time, if ever.

Happy 50th holiday of the Month weekend

Happy whatever-holiday-it-is-that-is-giving-me-monday-off Day,

I loose track of holidays somewhere in the midst of Groundhog Day and all the other late-winter small mammal tribute days.

Anywhoozle, its time for a show plug:

My current Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre class, level 4, helmed by none other than the illustrious Ari Voukydis, of Shark Show and VH1 Talking Head Show fame, will be convening under the W.26th St. Gristedes this Sunday, Feb. 20th at 5:30 pm. for a performance.

I'm sure Time Out NY meant to make this their comedy 'Pick of the Week' for this Sunday, but I guess they forgot to at the last minute.

hope to c ya there,

shap

5 Reasons 2005 Is Gonna Rock!

Poppi Pepper's BuzzWord: All the Buzz on the Latest Word from Tinseltown

(Poppi, a top entertainment/fashion columnist, writes for Starz! magazine and Swedish Vogue. Her upcoming book Celebrate Celebrity! will be published later this year)

5 Reasons 2005 is Gonna Be a Rockin' Year!!!

2005 is gonna be one rockin' year, and anybody who doesn't thinks so can shut their traps and see below!!! Here's 5 Reasons 2005 is gonna be totally rad!-

1) The Big Screen:

Arguably the greatest stand up comic ever, Brad Garret (of Everybody Loves Raymond fame) teams up with arguably the greatest action star ever, Vin Diesel, for the family comedy, The Pacifier, about an ex-Navy Seal who teaches a deadbeat suburban dad a lesson.

We haven't been this excited about a comedic pairing since Dudley Moore and Liza Minelli in Arthur (1981)! And as for rumors of a steamy wrestling scene between Garret and Diesel, we haven't been this excited about man-on-man action since Ben Affleck took on Colin Farrell in Daredevil! We can't wait to see Vin Diesel go "medieval" on Garret's "ass".

2) The Small Screen:

Style Mavens Steven Cojocaru, Melissa Rivers, and Bobby Trendy team up to dish (and dis!) on the wardrobe choices of the stars in what promises to be the fashion/gossip show to end all fashion/gossip shows: "What the Bleep Was She Wearing!?" These dedicated divas promise to leave no fashion faux-pas unturned. Note to Lara Flynn Boyle: Stay behind closed doors where it’s safe!! (Yea, we went there!!!)

Brought to us by the folks at E!, what would we do without you guys? xo xo xo xo!

3) DVD:

It's been 476 agonizingly long days since the final episode of Mike Binder's marital masterpiece, the HBO dramedy Mind of the Married Man, aired and finally Mind of the Married Mind: The Complete Series is being released on DVD April 7th. I don't know about you, but I'm as excited to hear Biner's witty banter with fellow castmates on the commentary tracks as I am to relive each 'will he or won't he?' episode by oh, so fabulous episode!!!

4) Small Screen, Part Deux:

Martha Stewart helms a spin-off of the Apprentice, premiering on NBC March 15th. After six months of being someone else's bitch in prison, Martha Stewart is ready to make someone hers'! (Oh no we didn’t!!!, snap, snap, exclamation point, exclamation point.) Note to contestants: Don't you dare oversalt those mango shrimp hors d' oveurs!!!!

5) Music:

Avril Lavigne continues her World Arena Tour, Avril Lavigne: Under My Skin, and releases an UNCENSORED version of the 'Under My Skin' album! Double trouble from the Queen of Punk! Get out of the way Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan- the original rocker grrrrllll is back on the block!!!!

To all those naysayers who said there was no way 2005 could top 2004, eat our panties!!!!

by Shap Sweeney

Why?

Why are these Housewives so Desperate?

I have never seen their show, nor do I plan to, but I'm really worried about them.

I hope they can find a positive, nurturing environment in which they can freely express themselves without the fear of being judged. I've heard that is the first step in getting one out of those 'Desperate' funks.

Good luck, girls! Keep your chins up!

First Post

The launch party of my blog will be held Tuesday, February 15th at 4:41 PM in the right front corner of my office.

If you are not on the Guest List, please do not bother trying to get in. The bouncer is under strict instructions to give anyone who tries to get in, but is not on the Guest List, a very stern talking to.

(Sen. Zell Miller, you know you are not wanted here, so please do not try and crash another one of my parties)

The Open Bar will last from 4:31 to 4:37, followed by speeches from Newt Gingrich, Gloria Steinhem, Gloria Estefan, Mary Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen (via sattelite), and Live with Regis and Kelly! producer Gelman, followed by the water-melon smashing comedy stylings of Gallagher.

The dress code is semi-casual post-post-modern new wave 80's. Those not in compliance with the dress code will also be given a stern talking to by the bouncer.