Brilliant Bandits of the Night

While I have a great love for badgers, possums, gophers and other such woodland creatures, I have both an immense fascination with, and illogical fear of, the raccoon.

The raccoon is both glamorous and terrifying to this usually fearless lad. The raccoon, or “El Mapache” as the people of the Andean mountains respectfully call it (to be fair, all Spanish-speaking people call the raccoon, el mapache, and there are no raccoons in the Andean Mountains, but I like to write with a little “flare”), is a true anomaly.

One of the most intelligent animals by any account, they have learned to maintain their idyllic forest lifestyle and habitat, while still taking full advantage of the delights and advances of human civilization through periodic raids into backyard trash bins and less-than-secure campsites. Unlike other mammals that seek to prey on the goods and sundries of humanity, such as meece (the accurate plural of mouse- see Roget’s Accurate Word Thesaurus), they outwit, outlast, and outplay all human attempts to trap them or keep them away from trash bins in neighborhoods near to woodlands. El Mapache cannot be trapped.

And I would know. One of my true passions and hobbies is badger and marmot trapping. Of course, I do not trap them for their meat or sell their pelts. In fact, due to my immense affection for woodland creatures, I always set them free. And the traps I set are painless. I have simply found it impossible to get the undivided attention of a marmot, or even a second glance before scurrying off into the woods, unless they are trapped before you.

But it is well known in the trapper community that raccoons cannot be trapped. Not that I would ever attempt to trap “El Mapache” in fact the idea of even trying to trap a raccoon makes me shiver in the dark of night on late winter nights (or perhaps it is the cold). But, regardless of my personal fears and trepidations regarding said cunning creature, they simply know better. Some would even say, they are our betters.

So be wary and respectful of our ring-tailed allies, they may disappoint on occasion when you have thrown out a box of Krispy Kreme, only to remember the next morning their was one left, head to the trash bin to fetch it, and find that “El Mapache” has paid a visit.

I'm Back

I am back, and all in one piece. I was away for some time, and unable to check in with this blog.

I was kidnapped by a rather ill-tempered goblin who inhabits our office. He feeds off of discarded printer paper, paper clips, and other such fare. He spends most of his time sneaking around causing fax machines to malfunction, printers to get jammed, computers to crash, and that kind of thing.

At the dawn of when sexual harassment in the office became wrong and punishable, he was known to whisper particularly vulgar come-ons into the ears of office cads and 'good ol' boys' talking to attractive co-workers. His nefarious influence in this regard led to numerous disciplinary actions being taken against those who had been "taken" under his influence, up to and including firings of many men who were competent workers/not-so-competent flirters.

At any rate, he kidnapped me one night when I was working late, and put me in an empty cubicle, with four sides rather than three, thus rendering it unescapable.

I have been trapped there the past three weeks, until finally one of my co-workers found one of the "rescue me" paper airplanes I had thrown over the threshold of the entrapping cubicle (fortunately, I was a carrying a pen and legal pad at the time of the kidnapping).

By the way, Bic ink does not make for a bad cocktail at all once one grows particularly thirsty.

To make a short story shorter, I was rescued and am back, and now very wary with regards to the mischief of previously described goblin.

Were he here, in front of me now, I would have only this to say: "Vive la blog!"